september 12

i've thought about what i wanted to do today, on this ten year anniversary.  it's a big one but i can handle it.

for a while i thought about going back to your grave to sit for as long as i needed. could have been five minutes or an hour, but i wanted to go alone or with sara to put the book end on this decade.  i'm not going to go today.  i could go any day i want to, but i don't feel that i need to anymore.  ten years is a long time to grow and heal.

there are a few people you meet who fundamentally change your life. you did that for me.  knowing you and experiencing your loss made me stronger, more compassionate, more fearless in the face of death and struggle, and more attuned to the subtleties of grief.  i've run the full gamut of human emotion: panic, utter desperation, sheer and unequivocal joy for being alive.

and now that i've seen and done so much, loved and lost and loved again, your story does not need to define me. i live my life for myself. so, one last letter.

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britt,

i'm thankful for those three short weeks, for your orange and pink that so complemented my blue and purple.  i will hold onto the small moments in which we talked and really started to get to know one another, and will carry your spirit with me.  i will do my best to rise above fear and do the courageous thing, the right thing.  i will not close myself off to new experiences and friendships.  i will continue live as you lived those three weeks: free and full of joy.

ann

the acoustic version

i can't believe that more than a whole year has passed since i started this blog.  i have changed so much, and for the better, to boot.  thank you all for coming on this whirlwind of an endeavor with me.

as you might have noticed, i've said nothing about this perpetually-stalled "novel" of mine aside from last week's update.  isn't it the great joke that would-be writers tow around the idea of their raison d'etre without ever having written a word of it.  it's a weight i'm dropping for now.  if you would like to talk to me about the general plot or read a few of the existing paragraphs, send an email to az.cinquantacinquanta[at]gmail[dot]com.

and now, the summation of lessons learned.

 

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the way i see it, life has its way of cleaving two paths - to live life with a healthy amount of doubt but keep pressing forward, or to succumb to the thoughts in your head.  here are the battles i'm fighting.

reality vs. expectation:  many of us would like to bottle willpower and uncork as needed.  it's becoming clear to me that life and friendships don't work that way.  all that you can do is prepare yourself for the softballs being lunged at you and adjust your swing.  your reaction is within your control, not anyone else's.  be sure that you do all you can to make peace and own your shit, but accept that you cannot make anyone do the same.

high self standards vs self criticism:  there is a super fine line here.  i'm continually working to be more understanding and nonjudgmental of myself.  i am a strong, tenacious, and loving person who wants to genuinely do the right thing for myself and others.

 

journey vs sprint:  patience isn't my virtue. i like results and my changes to be immediate.  i like to check the boxes off on my bucket list ASAP.  i want to travel everywhere, all at once.  i like to repair my relationships in one fell swoop of a sincere apology.  it doesn't work like that and i am learning to respect the now.  i am ready to be continuously moving on. 

 

focus vs obsession:  look at the world with soft eyes and you see all of it.  don't miss the forest for the trees.  details matter sometimes, but not so much that you lose the plot.

 

self-improvement vs "see what sticks":  foraying into projects that i thought would round me out as a person just didn't give me the bump i expected.  still, there's no harm in trying new hobbies and staying busy.  you never know what you'll have learned to love along the way.

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so, dear readers, this is it for year one.  i've done a lot of good and learned a lot about myself and life along the way.  in the future, i plan to write for this blog as frequently as i'm inclined.  whether it's sharing lessons that crop up or the food that i'm making, i know that it makes quite a few people happy to tag along with me here on the internet.

in closing, for now - i love you all. be good to yourselves and those you love.  be honest with yourself and others, and don't be afraid to feel the full gamut of emotions. your life will be made so much richer when you are truly yourself and not the image of who you think you should be.

 

xo ann

 

// sebastien gabriel

you gotta hold on

we're finishing up here and i can hardly believe it.  (technically, the one year anniversary of writing in this blog has passed, but i'm still winding down the projects i have left).

to start, we started some misadventuring in the kitchen... pan-steamed green beans, some fancy knife cuts, proper fritters. 

tonight i'll be baking my first apple pie of the season and have plans to make another very soon.  the four balls of pate brisee - the flaky, sweet dough for pies - are from ovenly's receipe.  if you love nouveau american and eastern european baked goods, check out their web page. their book has been one of my favorites for all things delicious and baked. 

as for project vegan, i haven't cut out all animal products for any conscious period of time, though we've near-permanently subbed coconut milk in for cow's milk.  while i don't eat eggs regularly, they're just in everything processed. cheese is a huge stumbling block.  the vegan cheeses i've tried have been pretty... bad, and most of the tastier nut-based cheeses are obviously not an option.

despite not really engaging in that project, i've been re-energized to take a good look my makeup and all of the crap in my medicine and bath cabinet. i'm really interested in making natural toothpaste and finding an aluminum-free deodorant - purchased!  lavanilla trio, here i come - and keeping my makeup purchases to cruelty free and vegan options as much as possible.   if you'd like some basic tips for starting a low/no-waste lifestyle, check out trash is for tossers.  the author also has a youtube channel of the same name.

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there's a lot more left to say if you'd like to know.  i trust that you, dear reader, will know how to find me.

til the final post!

down in the hole

https://unsplash.com/blakeverdoorn

 

it's hard to know what to post this week.  after all, the last project i finished was eating off the same plate, with the same fork and spoon and cup, for the whole of it.  this worked out but the day-to-day doesn't lend itself to written extrapolation. 

last week i did nothing.  call it exhaustion, embracing the moment, preoccupation with the unfinished - i just couldn't commit to anything.  more than that, even, i don't feel like i need to keep myself busy in order to stay sane.  i'm whole as i am now.  that's very liberating.

what's left to do, anyway?

1. pies

2. culinary boot camp

3. veganizing my life (harder than you'd expect, but not impossible)

4. sharing some writing (ugh)

i'm going to ditch that farmer's market project since i haven't been able to make more time during weekdays.  it's pretty inconvenient to work a 9 - 5 if you ignore the "making money" part. 

at work and outside of it there's been definite growth under the surface, so much so that i didn't notice it happening until now, when we're coming down to the acceptance part and when there are no more versions of the truth to spin. i like to think that i'm not afraid of the truth, but i'm not perfect either.

it's boiling down to this:  i don't always have the energy or the passion to bang a project out every week.  last summer, when i started all of this up, i really needed something to keep me on track and people to hold me accountable. 

over the last two months i've watched the blog hits dip down to nothing, and that's okay.  i'm not marketing this at all - the posts are more for me than anyone else.  the weekly posting is hard to maintain, so our next incarnation is likely to be more sporadic but focused on the hobbies that really matter to me.  truth accepted.

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this week and next: dabbling in culinary techniques (knife cuts, cake baking, cooking vegetables properly, making a stock) and making some pie.
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you best not miss

holy july, batman.  we're pushing through summer pretty quickly and burning the candle at both ends.  

last week was another nutty one. on tuesday night, juan and i stayed up until midnight to make refrigerator pickles for this past week's project.  what we turned out wasn't just one variety, but three.  the radish/carrot mix was inspired by this recipe and a mass quantity of black beans.

the four kirby cucumbers from our CSA box lent themselves to garlic dill spears and a projected 4 jars doubled to 8 with the addition of store-bought cukes.  we used this recipe.

juan also improvised a pickled beets recipes with some of the leftover spices.  should be an interesting taste when all is said and done.

pickles aside, things were about to get cray.  wednesday brought more car trouble and what ensued was a mad dash down to campus for a 5-minute delivery of paperwork, a trip to johnny's hot dogs for birch beer, and a jaunt over to a venue site just to see how the ride would be.  all with coco.  all after a bunch of emails and calls to ensure that all was not going to crap.  it didn't! 

thursday was repair day.  hello, new alternator, and goodbye, $700.  jessica (my car) cost me a pretty penny this week but i'm thankful for being mobile!  on friday i started watching the wire.  it's true love. margaret's bachelorette party was saturday and we had a fantastic time. the addition of crazy sheets of rain and flooding made the night even more memorable. and sunday, lovely sunday, was a day of rest.

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this week:  i'm using one cup, one plate, one fork/spoon at home and will be trying to improve my economy of movement and waste as little as i can.

tell you that i'm ok

i can sew!  sort of.  here's a quickly stitched om nom.  coco's claimed him as her new plaything.

on tuesday morning i woke up to an apartment of reset clocks, a non-functional stove, and a dead car battery.  cue calls to AAA.  once the car battery was replaced, the radio stopped working.

so, instead of sitting home and fixing things - because, hey, what's the point? - i renewed my library books, loaded coco up in the car and drove down to aunt liz's for nonna's 96th birthday.  nonnie had three cakes and coco took her first (ever) dip in a pool. it was so nice to be surrounded by family and dogs for an afternoon off.

the look of terror!  she swam really well, though.

we're not going to take a proper vacation until late september (hello, ireland), so i've decided that a break is needed from gadgetry and deadlines.  the final few projects can wait.  i feel like i'm finally starting to catch up with summer. 

what's left

• go vegan!
• pickling and jamming
• farmer's market trips (farms count, too)
• make some pie
• novel share (still working on that)
• **culinary boot camp:  i have my fancy CIA textbook. we should get some skillz out of it!
• **use one plate for the week. i'll wipe/wash it after each use instead of going through the whole cabinet.

projects to be checked off/removed

• volunteer:  i helped out with campus graduation
• magazine bowls:  we hardly need more clutter in the apartment.  if i want to make them, i know where the tutorials are.
• seven minute circuits:  working on these off and on.  summer means hot little biscuit time.
• wake up early:  i did this for a few days months ago.  it was not pretty!

the long one

a-ha of the week: i just don't care that much about my hair.

aside from the side braids pony tail i tried on a thursday afternoon, there was zero experimenting. i totally meant to try some new things (mostly braids) but time just escaped me.  on the fly i put my hair up in a bun or streak it with smoothing serum and i was all set to go off to work. finito.

at this point in my life i'm not spending time on making it look good, and that's not a bad thing.  hair is not a priority.  if i ever do find myself in the mood to pretty-up, though, there are so many tutorials online to parse through.  definitely no shortage of ideas out there. right now, i'm deciding whether or not i want to cut it... and how short. 

i also ran about 3 or 4 seven-minute circuits last week and will be continuing the bursts of energy throughout the summer. there are too many weddings, bbqs, bachelorette parties and what-have-you coming up to settle for skinny-fat this month.  feeling strong and looking my best was once really important to me and it's time i stopped neglecting myself.  

with summer unofficially here, i've been meaning to get to the beach and need to find a few hours to get away from the lingering work of the semetser.  last year i didn't beach much at all, let alone swim, but i recognize that i'm in need of a beautiful sunset dunk and a mental exhale.  like, right freaking now.

which brings me to today's topic:  the difference that a year and many years will make.  i get lost in the "why" of all these changes, and most of them have been for the better, but yesterday, wrists-deep in the sink of dishes, came a wave of doubt.

control is an illusion, anyway.  we know how we think or how we feel as individuals (if we're so lucky), but we can never really know what people think of us. words, and even actions, belie feelings or thoughts. 

as a people pleaser, and as someone who cares about people and how people feel about about me, i'm hard on myself.   when ish hits the fan or a friendship fails (out of nowhere, it'll seem to me) i have to wonder.  what did i do?  what is wrong with me?   like many others, my first thought is to blame myself and sometimes to accept the finger-pointing, valid or not.

sometimes i'll do all the right things, the "good person" things, and it still won't be enough to affect meaningful change.  as i near thirty, it's clearer now that personal relationships take two kinds of work.  1) you have to be willing to drop your ego, own up to your part and communicate, and 2) you have to be willing to engage with the other participant(s),  but that's predicated on both (or all) participants doing equal work, and recognizing that work's even required in the first place.

the dishes in the sink took me somewhere completely related to the conscious now, not to mention the last three years of burying a thought, and the way i deal and have dealt with these stresses explains so much of the shame and self-doubt i grapple with.  the long and short of it is that nothing is permanent, not healing nor pain.  ride the great wave of uncertainy and do the best you can.

lest i forget... i accept myself unconditionally, no matter what.

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this week:  i'm learning to sew stitches and making mama joan proud, i think. be prepared for the mish-mashed, patchwork masterpiece.
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