thank you, clarity

so i'm finishing up seven weeks' worth of projects with this post.  that's crazy. life, also, is crazy.  there was a bit of a delay in getting this here last of the seven lists up. all good now.  just remember, friends, breathe deeply from time to time when life overwhelms. 

ten things and people for whom i am grateful

the passage of time

when i was younger and people and circumstances hurt more deeply i could not imagine that i would ever move on from them. i could replay events like no one's business. blame that taurus sun, cancer moon, and scorpio rising. (aside: what a freaking combination!)  

honestly, i didn't learn coping skills aside from the "life gives no craps about you so suck it up" sentiment floating around me.  it's taken a lot of discussion, alone time (maybe too much), and a lot of changes that proved beyond my control to create some distance between who i thought i was as a result of others' actions/inactions and who i'm proud to be now.   

i've learned to forgive and let go and to not self-victimize. it's still hard at times not to play justice-police when i'm super invested in someone or something.  but all in all, i'm thankful that i've been able to tamp down the mood swings, recognize and communicate my feelings without ending the world over them, and keep pressing forward.

my core group of friends

and a brother for good measure. (i'm sure he'll hate this picture!)

i have great people around me, even after all the dust has settled and growing's been had.  they have definitely been the glue keeping me together for a decade or more.  some may have come in and out of my life over time, but i know who i can call up at random and count on for a post-work beach adventure, getting-at-the-marrow-of-life discussions, and foodie pursuits. at one point or another, they've all have helped me find my way out of a rough patch and kept me going: vanessa for her ability to make me laugh when i can't find it in me to smile, cathy for always being the voice of reason and assuredness when i start throwing any and all options at the wall, and kareem for his willingness to get up and adventure with me and tell me the truth when i don't want to hear it. there are many, many other people whom i love dearly and will profile at some point - i still have things to make for people! -  but these three have seen me through the most enduring changes. love love love!

travel and adventure

i would not be nearly as thoughtful or well-intended if i hadn't gotten out of my comfort zone early in life; i was totally too shy and my first trip to florida on an airplane at eight made a huge impact. also learned i was allergic to carrots on that flights, but hey!

in twenty-seven years, i've been to florida five or six time, visited two vastly different areas in north carolina (durham and outerbanks heyo!), did the stopover in virginia to see my uncle, spent time in maryland and dc seeing juan's cousin and doing the standard national mall tour (in ninety degree weather), bumbled through pennsylvania for gettysburg and that country feel, saw a lot of the california coast, and relaxed in the serenity of an abandoned, locals-only cape cod.  

i've picked citrus fruit on my uncle's desert scrub ranch in california, marched down main street in disney, visited nasa's headquarters, gallavanted about italy, river-rafted more than once, rolled a go-kart in south jersey, stood at the side of the grand canyon and thought... meh, meandered through the carpet-lined basement arcade forest of the excalibur in las vegas, broke into the tropicana hotel (with the stage manager ok!), traveled the high seas in search of tuna but finding only nausea, avoided a shooting in ohio (oh, band trip), jumping off cliffs when i was scared ish-less, stared at the stars on a picnic table in the catskills, and stowed away on farms. travel has opened my eyes and my heart.

family - blood and chosen

yes, we may fight or not fight, talk or not talk, complain about each other or not, but we have a great deal of love for one another.  my cousins have been especially important to me and i treasure them for the special blend of wtf and affection that they bring to my life. 

my relationships with my aunts and uncles have moved into the twenty-first century.  each one brings a tempered humor, or an amazing intelligence, or gentle kindness, or yearning for newness and change. i am grateful to my aunt jean and uncle gib especially for treating me as if i was a third child (love!) and my own parents for being patient with a first-born who is exactly one half of each of them, my sister, for her creative eye and endless support, and my brother for his willingness to go beyond himself to make me feel special or appreciated, even if we don't always much see too eye-to-eye.

 

creativity and an inspired childhood

simply put, i don't know what i would do with myself if i wasn't able to write or make or create.  my mind is tuned into inspiration whenever i can find it and i often feel empty if i'm not working on something.  as a kid, i had a superbly active imagination; we played all sorts of games as alternate personas, whom i had painstakingly drawn and biographied and detailed. there was 'cat force', a time-travelling group of bandits, an adoption agency (with even a great white shark in its care!), and several harry potter one-off-stories and fanfics.  i have binders and binders of information and lists from the ages of ten to eighteen that i love to pull out from time to time.  you could tell a lot about who we wanted to be as people by the characters we chose.

juan
he stepped into my life when i wasn't expecting him, like all good people and changes do.  he has so many of the qualities that i do not have and admire in others; he is inexplicably patient, does not chain himself to outcomes he cannot control, and is naturally very talented in just about every discipline. he is, without doubt, the strongest man i know and sometimes the stubbornest!  he loves me when i don't know how or why someone could love me sometimes, and he knows that in those moments i need to be told the most.  he is super handsome, super kind, and the best. i love him and look forward to spending more days with him soon; also that rest of my life type thing!

my pets

i love all animals - except slugs and worms, noble members of the ecosystem though they are. my past and present fur-babies have brought so much joy into my world. my three ratties and all of our dogs have a special place in my heart. coco is already in great company.

inner moral compass and intuition

we all screw up from time to time and i'm no different. i appreciate knowing what the "right thing" is and acting on it ninety-nine percent of the time.  i've also learned to trust my gut and believe in the unseen. the universe is not out to get me, but i have to believe that there's a greater web of synchronicity connecting everyone and everything, otherwise i'd be lonely.

music and my trumpet
my mother tried to convince me to play the saxophone in fourth grade, or the clarinet. i still have no idea why i didn't listen. i've played the trumpet for almost twenty years, give or take. 

even though i don't play very often now, i cannot imagine my life as a non-musician.  just the other day i was helping my cousin netty read some sheet music. i picked up her extra trumpet and read along with the clarinet part, even hitting some of the high notes.  it's a love that doesn't go away; it stays in your blood.

the ability to make others laugh and smile

everyone needs to step outside of themselves once in a while, i think, and it's important to have someone around you who can take the edge off.  i enjoy being able to help in whatever way i can.

this week:  making some paper flowers, which will count as one of my TBD DIYs!  links to tutorial pages will be included.  inspiration drawn from christa's gathering. she's made a beautiful DIY bouquet and will be an even more beautiful bride in october!

ways to the heart

in 2012 i attempted my first (failed) 365-day post. the plan was simple: i'd make something edible each day or night for every day of the year.  ambition was running at an all-time high. i devoured food-centered magazines and listened to culinary school podcasts. i bought myself a better knife set, borrowed my sister's semi-pro camera, and picked up a handful of sophisticated plates to stage my meals. maybe i'd be a food stylist in another life. (i would sure see to it that those fancy "preservation" chemicals used in food shoots didn't make their way into my meals.)

i lost steam around the 170th post. my dishes had become more complicated and composed, almost textbook. my presentation wasn't lacking for anything - in fact, it picked up towards the end.  quite a few lovely friends from facebook and real life seemed to anticipate my posts each night.  but me, i was worn out.  i hate when recipes don't turn out as anticipated. i've been guilty of throwing a few things in the kitchen. i may or may not have threatened to throw a cake at the wall. and besides, it's not easy (or cheap) to plan and produce something you're proud of after a long day.

some of my projects for the remaining weeks will definitely be food-driven. i miss the rush that comes after that first bite of delicious and look forward to sharing lots of dinners and desserts with friends in the near future, hopefully in the apartment.  so i guess this is your informal invitation to swing by the yet-to-be-determined apartamento and keep me company as i sweat, curse, and burn myself all the way through prep!

ten best things i've ever made

totally subjective but always delish.

mac and cheese

i can make a mean pot from scratch now. tastes so much better than boxed.

foccacia

very nearly started messaging high school acquaintances to take this off of my hands.  turns out that two foccacia(s?) are two too many for even a carb fiend to devour.

gingerbread cake with cream cheese icing and pomegranate 

made this gem with from a Joy the Baker recipe. juan's family tells me that it reminds them of a traditional colombian rum cake. as such, i'm always making it for christmas and holidays.

zucchini coins

nothing like a breaded and pan-fried vegetable to offset a cold beer.

black bean and feta salad

my favorite thing to eat. also made with a diced red bell pepper and onion, minced jalapeno, corn, cilantro, lime juice, red wine vinegar. 

gouda and red onion cheese bread

one of the very first things i ever made from scratch, before i even cared to cook consistently for the 365.

potato leek tart

one of the many delights from ashley english's book: a year of pies.  check it out for a wealth of seasonal recipes and ann-tested-and-approved pie dough.

spanakopita

flaky, buttery filo and tender spinach with a generous helping of feta. everything i love in a bite.

white bean ragout

found this in bon apetit. the perfect cold weather meal.

clementine pound cake with glaze

borne of a necessity to use up delicious clementines from my uncle's california ranch, this was a great alternative to the lemon loaf that i'd been craving at the time.

how many boyz there?

vanessa and i are planning a trip to durham and raleigh for halloween. we've never gone on a trip together outside of band trips to florida and ohio.  the hour-long flight will also mark the first time that either of us has been in a plane since we returned from rome and valencia.  in honor of bffitude and nostalgia, i struck up the first list.

ten (potentially awkward) childhood and teen crushes

some celebrity, some frighteningly irl, some left off of this list for serious burn and embarrassment reasons.

brandon boyd

first musical boyfriend; loved him from dreads to emo hair and to whatever little mustache he's got now.

orlando bloom

oh so lord-of-the-rings-driven with his silky wig.  i had a poster of him (with curly hair) on my ceiling when i still was home and sleeping in the loft bed. one day it felt down onto my face. what a wake-up!

john macclean

hockey was my favorite sport from birth to eighteen, when i stopped caring about these kinds of things. he was the assistant captain of the devils and represented the all-around "good guy".  when i met him, i couldn't bring myself to say a word - just stood by silently while he signed the first page of my autograph book.  

m.z.

i realized that i should most likely keep a few of these guys anonymous, as they're real-life people and google exists.  he was super blond and funny, sat at the neighboring table in geology, and was in my homeroom for three years.  once, i walked next to him in the hallway and my shirt's button got attached to his backpack. yeah, those things happen and yes, it was mortifying.  he might have been serious when he offered someone to give me his number, but i was surely a dudzilla at the time and he was likely just being "nice".

j.t. 

no, not justin timberlake. probably the first older person i had a talent and  "he don't know my name" crush on.

j.p.

that hair, that swag, those kool cigarettes. he was the epitome of everything that i wasn't. i got to sit next to him on a ride at six flags. swoon-tastic and embarrassing before even my first boyfriend.

tommy lee jones

one of my movie old-man husbands. he gets better and sassier with age.

m.b.

at the start of my freshman year of high school i was super creative, super naive, and quite the oddball. i was in the habit of writing humorous, fantastic little stories in which all of the older, cooler kids around me played a part. 

the guy in the harry potter book 6 line at BN

oh, what a whirlwind of wtf. someone spoiled the book for me while in line for the midnight release party in menlo. suave number twelve - cathy, lisa, and i were thirteen, fourteen, fifteen - told me that someone had found a page of critical plot points that had been scanned and posted online. he had accidentally been spoiled but was not looking to divulge the information. someone behind us was discussing online rumors when, all of a sudden, i overheard what could only be true. i fact-checked with twelve via whisper and he confirmed.  somehow, i stewed the whole night and supplanted my angst with discovery of a new muse.

blase ur

blase played bass for j.p. stevens's jazz band.  friends and i - okay, maybe just me - checked each competition's soloist listing with bated breath. just the ideal kind of unattainable that keeps you on your toes and dreaming of the what-if.

peliculas favoritas

top ten nostalgia movies. this has been sitting in my email for a day, but i couldn't post last night. first time i've been late on a post in seven weeks. sorry!

What Dreams May Come

sometimes when you lose, you win.

assorted Godzilla movies

yes, for serious.  i was afraid to go into the basement for years after seeing rodan's offspring kill miners.

When Harry Met Sally
"I love that you're cold when it's 71 degrees out."

Space Cowboys

give me snarky Tommy Lee Jones or give me death!

Blow
sad story, tuna, blond johnny depp and mexico.

Machete
juan and i watched this on our first date so it holds a special place in my heart.

Love Actually 
it's not christmas time without seeing this.

28 Days Later
favorite zombie movie and first jersey gardens experience - it was a trip, FYI

Princess Mononoke
disturbed and bewitched me at a very impressionable age, becoming part of my psyche.

The Last of the Mohicans

uncas and the soundtrack and the gorgeous, lush green of the scenery.  
phone autocorrected to "last of the monica's".  would've been a very different movie.

boom bo-boom, sail the ship

life-changing albums

(in no particular order)

alanis morissette - under rug swept  

i can relate to "so unsexy" one thousand percent and "that particular time" and "utopia" are a whole lot of important to the way i see the world.

tool - lateralus

baby's first metal experience.

incubus - if not now, then when

too many songs here that spoke to me at a moment when i felt voiceless

nirvana - nevermind

 my dad gave me this album when i was twelve. maybe that explains a lot.

coldplay - parachutes / rush of blood to the head

"yellow" brought me a lot of good memories and "politik" brought me closer to my happy little wondrous niche in the universe.

 

joni mitchell - blue

sat in foss's office and cried together over "river"

vampire weekend - vampire weekend

sara and i saw rostam's keffiyeh(-like scarf?) and were intrigued. vw is my favorite band.

the beatles - yellow submarine

grew up listening to them. this was one of the first albums i commandeered from mom.

the lord of the rings soundtracks

i was a huge lotr nerd in high school and knew the songs from all three movies to a tee.

james blunt - back to bedlam

the soundtrack to freshman year of college

literary predilections

this week: make a new "top ten" list every day.

all of these lists have been floating around facebook - formative literary experiences, favorite movies, etc. figured that i'd try to hit the popular ones and then branch off into ~survey~ territory.  man, the thousands were a trip! since i started reading books, i thought i'd start with recognizing those that changed me.

1. The Omnivore's Dilemma - Michael Pollan

changed the way i thought about food, even as a vegetarian. an eye-opener that truly cannot be ignored if you care about what you eat.

2. The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao - Junot Diaz

fantastic style, intense characters, and moving story.

3. Cane - Jean Toomer

read this for my lit capstone with professor robertson. nothing else that i read in his class, or any class really, came close to leaving the lasting impression that cane did.

4. Echo - Lia Francesca Block

probably why i love magical realism.

5. The Silmarillion - J. R. R. Tolkien

my preferred tolkien work. love the mythology and the names and the obvious work that was put into creating another universe - allegorical or not.

6. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

brought me a favorite word and inflamed my inner sense of social justic and 'you'll get what's coming to you'.

7. The Things They Carried - Tim O'Brien

harrowing and great. one of those books you're probably not supposed to read in school but did.

8. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - J. K. Rowling

i picked up the series just as this book came out so i had some serious catching up to do. the previous three books weren't exactly 'light', but book four really took the first turn towards where the series would end.  i remember reading the opening lines in the car in the driveway of nonna's old house and thinking that this world has started to bleed out into my real life.

9.  Lord of the Flies - William Golding

dark, vivid imagery. loved it.

10.  The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald

again, with the tragedy. i went on to research more of life in the 1920s and write an ap us history paper on the highlights and lowlights of the decade.