not sure what the title's referring to? take a strongbad email break. sometimes i wish i had an extra plug - and by extra plug, i mean a whole lot more patience.
double trouble this past week after no sunday post! really, truly felt great not to be sitting at my computer for most of the afternoon. hooray for some fresh air in the house and getting started with spring cleaning.
because i needed to play catch-up from a disastrously enjoyable (but unproductive) week before christmas, i decided to mash up my typical non-catholic lent sacrifice with my two biggest vices: surfing facebook and cursing.
comparison is the thief of joy or something? oh yes, it is. i’ve been all over the place with matching up my life against someone else’s and pointing out where i’ve “failed” or the lucky someone else has succeeded. facebook makes it toooo easy to lose yourself in a sea of others.
don’t have a house: check
don’t have the career i planned for: check
don’t have my loans paid off: check
don’t know what the meaning of life is anymore: check
don’t have what others have (even if i never expressed interest in it before seeing them post it): check
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| unsplash.com/photo by israel sundseth |
what i do know (and am starting to really appreciate) is what i am and want to be in the future.
i am a good cook, baker, and entertainer. i sing pretty well and have an ear for music and eye for art and design. i am good at making people feel comfortable in spaces and know how to draw on everyone’s talents (at least most of the time). i am good with kids and adults and animals. i love, underneath the ever-strengthening armor.
truth is, despite typing this out and maybe seeming like i’m unaffected, i need validation sometimes. maybe a lot, actually. especially so in the last few months. it’s easy to hide it behind silence and not show up to show my face just because i’m freaking petrified of being seen as weak or damaged. i’m trying harder to be more present and transparent, and more up-front about feelings without being irrational. as with all of life’s emotional experiences, it’s a process.
keeping a lot of my compulsive or intentional creeping easy at first, but i actually gave up on giving up by thursday. not because i couldn’t do it, but because i really needed the warmth of an internet hug. it made me happy, or it made feel not so alone, to look at other people’s photos of their smiling babies or their dinners or their everyday minutiae. i needed to be reminded that life’s pretty damn good. so i stopped abstaining.
and, um, the cursing went out the window thursday afternoon in the parking deck when someone would not back up enough to let me reverse out of a spot. i’m not a saint.
at the end of this experiment, i can give myself props for being a true non-striver and owning up to not being perfect. recognizing that what you need is counter-intuitive or counter “productive” is always an unpleasant negotiation but it is necessary.
so be the best version of yourself that you can and own up to what needs working on. you don’t need to fix everything in the moment of its breaking and there are some habits too deeply rooted to yank out in one heave. be kind to yourself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------this week: it’s spa week if i find time to stop moving around and rest. on the docket - homestyle pedi and foot scrub, exfoliating, maybe mani, warm bath and candles.
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